I Fell Off The Wagon… But Maybe On? Just Read It…

I’m back in Mayberry and have been busy celebrating ‘Murica with my family and friends in the area. (Sidenote: I like it when July 4th is on a Thursday. 4-day party, anybody?) Due to the high volume of alcohol being consumed for the past 36 years few weeks, my good buddy, Edith, and I decided to take a break last night to do a good deed for our parents and their friends. Basically, our parents and many of their friends were attending a big “all-school” class reunion last night in Thornville, and Edith and I offered to stay sober and drive the revelers home to the surrounding small towns. Edith and I thought it’d be kind of a “hoot” if you will…. we’d take a night off from slamming Coors Lights, maybe make an extra buck or two to put toward our road trip next week, and we’d probably end up with some good stories.

Wanna know how it went?

a) We didn’t get any rides. None. These folks have zero problem drivin’ dirty, I guess.

b) I fell. 

I. Fell.

I was 100% sober.¹

And I fell in the middle of the street. Just ditched it.

I had on a pair of (really cute) slides, hit a patch of loose gravel on a slight downward incline, and lost all control.

Edith kindly asked if I was OK before snapping photos of me on the ground.

I also have a picture of me on a gravel road next to a corn field with my pants down checking for knee injuries (they were minor). It’s a spectacular photo, and if you’d like to see it, please text me individually. (It’s not too risqué or anything. I just don’t feel the need to have these Thunder Thighs on the internet, man. And, yes, I’m deeming Thunder Thighs a proper noun.)

So, there’s what happens to me when I decide to spend a Saturday night (possibly the most beautiful Saturday night of the summer, by the way. Absolutely perfect weather….) sober. The Lord quite literally strikes me down.

So, now I’m sitting at Smoke and MamaG’s kitchen table mainlining mimosas and writing this post.

Kidding, Mom! I’m drinking coffee and submitting my contact lens rebate like a grown-up. I’ll probably manage to break a rib in the process.

-Bev

¹Disclaimer: I had gone out on a boat with Bessie and a bunch of her friends earlier in the day and had a few drinks, but I balanced with tons of water, ate a lot of dip food, and hadn’t had a drink in at least four hours when this happened.)