Frightening Feline Friday: Kick-off (Mowgli Edition)

You have probably been wondering about Mowgli since this recent Spot Sue.

And, to be honest, I don’t have a ton to say about Mowgli because I think I’ve only seen him once because I’m legitimately 100% terrified of him.

I think he’s gray and white, and I know that he weighs at least 90 pounds.

A lot of my family members will probably chime in down below with better Mowgli stories than I have, but I do know that he hunts shit like for real, that Timmy and Keith’s dog (I think it’s a Lab? It’s a decently-sized whitish-yellow dog.. let’s go with Lab) is totally afraid of him, that he has to be locked in the garage whenever we are hanging out at the pool at Timmy and Keith’s, and that MamaG has considered bringing a gun with her whenever she enters T and K’s property (MamaG hates cats more than I do. Or at least maybe we’re tied). I also know that I once had a nightmare about the bastard.

I mean, you know your cat is an asshole when someone who has possibly never seen it has nightmares about it, man.

As if this wasn’t enough, check out the texts I got from Timmy the night I mentioned his very own jungle cat in my post…

I mean, can any of you name something more terrifying than unknowingly having a psycho cat in your basement?¹ Like, “Oh, just a second guys- I’m going to run down and grab a frozen pizza,” and BAM, jungle cat square-off. Frozen pizza bearer never returns.

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OK, guys, that is the original post I was working on when I mentioned that I would do a followup post on Mowgli. But Mowgli’s ears must have been itching, because check out the text conversation happening between Keith (Mowgli’s owner), Gertrude, Bessie, and me a few weeks ago (like three days after I originally mentioned him in the Spot Sue post)…

For those of you who may not be familiar to the ass-cold Midwest, this is not a super uncommon occurrence. I guess cats crawl under cars because it’s warm or something. Unfortunately, this isn’t the only experience my family has with this scenario (read on).

Keith, I’m not sure I know what “free as a goose” even means, but I’m totally here to help make this phrase happen. 

Please take a second and picture this asshole cat riding on top of a van to take its 3-year-old owner to preschool. 

Keith, I’ll give you $5 to keep driving next time. However, I reckon Mowgli would find his way home- fatter than ever, after ravaging through the local deer population making his way back.

Harry is the dog. Who may or may not be a Lab. And who I may or may not often call Henry because I can’t remember his name. 

Remember how I said this wasn’t my family’s first encounter with an undercarriage feline? Yeah. Stick around for the Oreo story² in a few weeks.

Stick around for that story in a few weeks as well. Dear Lord.

Anyway, back to Mowgli.

Now we do at least have confirmation that this asshole is, in fact, gray and white. Also, if you look and listen closely, you’ll see that his eyes are darker’n a black steer’s tookus on a moonless prairie night, and that Bad to the Bone plays softly out his asshole.

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OH MY GOD, now that was the original Mowgli post (which turned into two posts) that was ready to be posted today. And then I got another Mowgli update. 

He’s missing.

There is a God. (Mayberry locals, lock your doors. Hide your other pets. Don’t go outside alone. Sleep with one eye open. And I’m telling you- deer carcasses are going to be popping up and Mowgli’s going to return home as the world’s actual fattest cat.)

-Bev

¹I actually can think of something more terrifying… maybe having a loose cat with you on an airplane. Which will be the next story on Frightening Felines Friday (see below).

²I have realized how many terrifying cat stories I have and this quickly became the first in a short series I shall call, “Frightening Feline Fridays”. We’re I’m gonna need some wine to relive all of these, guys.