Bevvy G

My bosses are gone tomorrow, so obviously, I’m celebrating by cracking open a fresh bottle of Sauvignon Blanc to ensure that I’m a complete pile of hungover shit tomorrow. I like to call myself an opportunist. The bad news is, when I put the rest of the bottle back in the fridge, I found the remnants of last night’s fresh bottle of Sauvignon Blanc next to it. The good news is, when I went to put the rest of the bottle back in the fridge, I found the remnants of last night’s fresh bottle of Sauvignon Blanc next to it. 

This means that I’ll be consuming 1.5 bottles of wine tonight (it’s what my bosses would want), and then poooooossibly dipping into the vodka. Because that’s what  I do.

I leave this post with two important questions for you, my dear reader(s?):

*Should I get a bagel and cream cheese tomorrow morning, or a bacon and egg breakfast sammie?

*Wine glasses are like bras and bath towels, right? Like… at least 3 uses before washing? Because I’ve been drinking out of this bad boy since Tuesday.

-Bev

I know, I know. Ben’s been MIA. You’ve been dying for her to come back. No, you haven’t. But Bev has been busy reentering the world of alcohol and cheese (and eating chips and salsa + margs for dinner). I mean, I successfully completed/attended six social events within three days. All of which included alcohol. Most of which included cheese. One of which included me testing my ‘You Can’t Get a DUI During the Day’ theory. It’s been busy ‘round these parts. On tap for this weekend is a girls’ night Friday, a ‘new neighborhood’ bar crawl Saturday, as I haven’t really gotten to go out since I moved, and of course, a Sunday boozy brunch (Bev’s jam). What this really means is that I will be leaving my debit card at new bars this weekend. And possibly praying to a new porcelain God.

OMG, in other news, there was a small catfight in my blog comments. OK, it wasn’t technically in the comments, but one person texted me, bitching that someone in my comments stole her alias. Less than a month, and I’ve got reader catfights. I HAVE ARRIVED.

-Bev

Who gets drunk and eats their Super Bowl snacks after the bars Saturday night?

Hint: Rhymes with Meverly Moldenstein.

-Bev

As you may or may not know, I am coming to the end of a 28-day cleanse. This means that I have not consumed alcohol in the last 27 days. Or cheese. Or caffeine. Needless to say, I am ready to get after it tomorrow (blog stories should pick up once I start drinking again).

I’ve not hated the last 28 days as much as you may expect, but let’s be real here. Captivity isn’t for Bev. Bev deserves to be free, in the wild world of drunken injuries, getting lost, leaving her debit card at bars, and never quite remembering how she got home. She’s more than ready for her return.

(The 4:08 mark will be Bev, drinking champagne at her 4:30 brow appointment tomorrow. It’s game time, bitches)

Video credit: YouTube user: EdvaldoArruda

-Bev

Bachelor Highlights of the Week (Part One)

“Today I have to find a way to break out of my shyness.” (Jumps in lake topless)

“I’m a camping virgin. I’m also a virgin, camping.” (Yeah, and I’m your Irish uncle. WHAT MOVIE?)

“I want him to be like my grandpa.” (Crying girl referring to possible future husband. WTF)

“I feel great. This is awesome. And I’m drunk.” (Said everyone. Always)

But the best moment, by far, was….. (Drumroll please)

Girl alone in living room, in ball gown.

Drinking champagne.

And EATING CORN.

*Note: this may be part one of one in the series. I’m really not sure I can watch more.

-Bev

I babysat today, and the kids had a super busy weekend, so we mostly chilled (aka: we watched TV the entire three hours I was there). The kids were engrossed in the TV, and I was engrossed in clapping at the family dog to keep it away from me whilst I looked up Super Bowl recipes. That is, until the TV show, ‘Dog with a Blog’ came on. I normally hate children’s TV shows, but as you know, I do love funny animals, and they actually show this dog sitting at his computer, blogging (the obvious highlight). Now, not only am I aspiring to look like Carrie Bradshaw when I blog, but I’m also kinda hoping I can channel a little bit of this fella…

http://img.gawkerassets.com/img/184e5klz475e6png/original.png

His name is Stan,¹ by the way… Which reminds me of something I forgot to include with my animal love/hate relationship in my biography post. Along with costumes and funny captions, I love than animals with human names. Kevin is usually a frontrunner, and my all-time favorite animal picture features a cow named Bruce. A cow. Named Bruce.

Don’t even get me started on the Sarah McLachlan commercial featuring a dog named Gary, and his friend, a cat who goes by Nathaniel.²

¹ I’m now paranoid that Stan’s blog is probably way better than mine.

² I have spent the last thirty minutes trying to find pictures of Gary and Nathaniel, but the worldwide web is failing me at this time. If anyone has information on this dynamic duo’s whereabouts, please post a link in comments. Then call Sarah McLachlan.

-Bev

I don’t know either.

-Bev

Bev’s Biography

-Bev hoards Post-its.

-Bev has an unabashed, flagrant, outrageous, unfiltered, eternal love for Kim Kardashian. If you ask her why, she doesn’t know. And she doesn’t apologize.

-Bev likes to shoot things.

-Bev has a largely unjustified hatred of white sunglasses.

-Bev can drink more beer than you. She just can.

-Bev hates animals. Sometimes, she pretends she’s allergic to them, but then people tell her their dog is hypoallergenic, and Bev has no idea what that means, so she has to come clean and just tell people she hates their pet. There are two types of people in this world: those who can’t get you out of their house fast enough once they know you hate their pet. And those who hand you a fresh glass of Sauvignon Blanc, and fill a squirt bottle for you to use on their cat.

-Bev does love pictures of animals in costumes though. Or animal pics with funny sayings. These make her cry laughing. (Feel free to post funny animal pictures in comments)

-Bev likes to travel. Because getting drunk on her couch gets boring.

-Bev loves murder mystery shows. The real ones. None of this Law & Order crap. Forensic Files, all day.

-Bev loves brunch.

-Bev’s favorite movie is The Big Lebowski, and she will most likely reference it in at least 25% of posts. She’d like to think she’s very Dude, but she’s really very Walter. 

-Bev is scared of vegans.

-Bev has a gnarly habit of leaving earrings in her car cup holder, where they puncture the bottom of her coffee cups and flood the hell out of the cup holders. She’s done this three times. Three.

Apparently, Barack gave a speech last night. I only know this because of others’ posts on Facebook, as I consider it a crime against myself to become involved in politics. That is, until recently, as there is a monumental travesty being committed against the American public, and I am here to call it out. No, not the fact that some big-shot over at the wiener company got together with some big-shot over at the bun company. Let’s just take a quick look at the facts….

-Cookie Dough Oreos

-Birthday Cake Oreos

-Golden Oreos

-Mint Oreos

-Peanut Butter Oreos

-Red Velvet Oreos

America, it’s time to take a stand, and demand what we deserve. Which is…

Oreo multi-packs. Pre-packaged, or build-your-own at the store (similar to the paradise that is build-your-own 6-pack). While American Sniper is enjoying its (well-deserved) moment in the spotlight, I know there’s another real American hero waiting in the wings at Nabisco. Come out of the cookie closet, my friend. Your fellow patriots are waiting.

-Bev

When I picture myself blogging, I envision myself as Carrie Bradshaw. I sit at a desk in a very chic NYC apartment, blogging away on my state-of-the-art Apple laptop. Sometimes, my friends come and stand in the street, yell for me to come down, and I quit ‘working’ and we go get drinks.

When I actually blog, I am not Carrie Bradshaw. I am more of a mix of Chris Farley, Khloe Kardashian, and the homeless guy on Carrie Bradshaw’s corner. I sit on the floor of my less than chic basement apartment, blogging away on my state-of-the-art Apple laptop.¹ Sometimes a squirrel stands outside my window. He doesn’t yell for me, and we don’t go get drinks. Well, maybe the squirrel does. Who knows.

Anyhoo, here it is friends. The blog you’ve all been waiting for. OK, like 4 of you have been waiting for it. And the rest of you, I paid in beer to come visit the site.

-Bev

¹– the only reason I have the state-of-the-art Apple laptop is because my old HP a) hasn’t had a working 6 key in 6 months, which was fine until I moved, and there’s a 6 in my new address, b) has slowly fried all of my internal organs over the years, c) weighs more than a baby horse, and d) legit won’t turn on.