Bevvy G

I’ll spare you the full details of my trip this time, because my guess is that you can all surmise what happened to Bev in Chicago.

*Yes, my Chi friends are legit Polish, and we spent the first night drinking this, which my friend, Joyce, hides under her sink. Homemade vodka with Post-it labels for. the. win.

*Yes, I did get wasted while watching at the Cubs game.

*Yes, I did hear an old friend, Kay, say, “Wow. I forget what it’s like hanging out with you, Bev.” I even offend my friends.

*Yes, I did look for the bottom of bottomless mimosas, and have a ten minute conversation with a group of gay hairdressers about whether I should color my grays or not. (No, I didn’t know them.)

*Yes, I did use the men’s bathroom at brunch.

*Yes, I did pass out on my friend’s hardwood floor after brunch while everyone else partied, grilled out on their rooftop patio, and probably considered whether or not I was going to have to go to the hospital.

*Yes, I did pretend to care about some woman’s dog while riding with them in an elevator, then flip her and the dog off when she turned her head. Apparently, I also told Kay I would shoot her cats. (This may or may not have something to do with why she was offended by me)

*Yes, I did nearly die on Sunday, and wasn’t able to eat solids comfortably until around 6:30 pm. (I’m sorry, Shake Shack meal that I had to leave behind after sitting in there for nearly two hours, alternating in between trying to eat you, and trying to puke. RIP, ShackBurger + cheese fries.)

*Yes, I did come home with zero pictures of my friends (except for the ones people texted to me), but with eight pictures of food and drinks. Eight.

*Yes, I did follow this man’s instructions.

*And yes, I did buy the $8 Southwest wifi on my flight home, solely so I could see Kim’s Met Ball dress reveal.

-Beverly

I head to Chicago tomorrow night for a long four day weekend, and the excitement is mounting. A weekend reuniting with some of my college besties, as well as some important events happening….

*Derby Weekend
*Mayweather/Pacquaio Weekend
*NFL Draft in Chi

Man, I can’t wait to wander around and ogle 22-year-olds in their physical prime hang out with my besties in the Windy City. But for real, the agenda includes a Friday Cubbies rooftop (hi, unlimited food and beer), Saturday brunch with bottomless mimosas + two martinis (thank you for stepping up the game, Chicago!), looking for a top 10 pick to impregnate me, Sunday chillin’ with some deep dish, and Monday lunch with a friend from high school. 

Last time I went to a Cubs rooftop, I almost had a panic attack due to not being close enough to a bathroom in an extremely hungover state (vomit was imminent), ripped a bunch of skin off my toe with an errant bathroom door at a Wrigleyville bar, and puked on my friend’s counter.

Wish me luck! (either in the not puking on myself thing, or for the finding a millionaire husband thing…preferably both)

-Beverly Goldenstein (Winston?*)

*Just kidding. I’d never marry that idiot.

Isn’t it cute how I’ve had this sitting on my counter for two weeks? Like, I’m going to… do something with it? Laugh out loud.

-Bev

Saturday: 10 hour brunch with a big group of besties. Somehow, I spent $3.50 + $12 on an Uber, and came home with an extra $27 in my purse. 

Quote of the weekend: “I liked her before Facebook.” Seriously… HOW TRUE IS THAT? Shoutout to Minerva, the birthday girl for coining the best, most true quote of all time.

Sunday: Woke up feeling like shit, so I immediately went and got a breakfast burrito the size of an infant. Then I had to babysit (painful), and was going to meet a friend in town for ‘a’ drink. 3 more meals, 65 or so beers later, and I certainly spent my $27 from Saturday and more.

Monday: Ate a box of Pizza Rolls for lunch, and then went to the grocery store. In desperation to make up for my weekend of debauchery, my fridge is now stocked with… a watermelon, a cantaloupe, three grapefruits, five containers of blackberries (I know- WTF), three containers of raspberries, an apple, a plum, and two lemons. Yes, I do live alone. And, yes, I am flying to Chicago in three days. If you need me, I’ll be… eating fruit, I guess.

-Beverly

As I was leaving work yesterday, I was nearly taken out by an old woman in velour, on a motorized cart, wielding 3 bags bulging with junk food from 7-11.

It was almost a drive-by scooting. Or a drive-by sweatsuiting. Drive-by junk-fooding?

I’m just glad it didn’t happen. Those scooters don’t look like they mess around. And nor do the old biddies in velour who drive them.

-Bev

A very special man from Bev’s hometown passed away this week, and while I didn’t know him well, he is a close friend’s grandpa, and all-around badass. Picture an 80+-year-old farmer/laborer who could basically skin a rattle snake with his bare hands, and who enjoys Busch Light more than almost anyone you’ll ever meet (Midwesterners and their Busch Lights….). Anyhoo, a few years back this man, who, at the time, was probably 75, sat down with a few townie guys after a long week’s work, and for some reason, the host of the farmer soiree didn’t have any Busch Light cold, so Dick had to drink a warm one. After taking his first slow swig, Dick slowly smiled, and famously proclaimed…

“Nothin’ like a warm Busch.”

And, THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason this man receives a shoutout on this blog.

Well played, Dick. Well played.

-Bev

Bev celebrated Earth Day like every other red-blooded, non-hippie, omniverous American.

*I took two showers. Solely because it’s roughly the temperature of the sun in my workplace, and I figure they’re saving the goddamned planet by not turning on the air, so I’m taking free rein on the water usage for now. Also… the very chemical-filled products used in the shower. Especially my PanOxyl face wash, which contains the highest percentage of Benzoyl Peroxide of any OTC face wash. Chemicals, for the win.

*I used three different paper plates and three different plastic forks to eat three plates of food at a work lunch potluck. (I know… I’m making up for those calories by having Sauvignon Blanc and a cup of applesauce for dinner, right? RIGHT?!?!?!)

*I forgot something at home, and drove to and from work twice today. That something? A chicken pot pie for a coworker who’s on maternity leave. And, yes, the (very non-organic) delicacy was in a disposable foil pie pan instead of my glass one, because it’s Earth Day, and I have a fear of my actual kitchenware being stolen. (No, I don’t, but you never know. Those mothers on maternity leave? Reputation for being thieves, ya know.)

*Then I sat in traffic for over two hours after work to deliver aforementioned pot pie. (Seriously, HOW and WHY do people live in suburbs?)

*I ended the night by giving myself a light mist of at-home spray tan, where the main ingredient is Dimethyl Ether. Bev loves Dimethyl Ether.

But ya know what? A few years ago, a spry young 8-year-old asked me what I was doing for Earth Day, and I legit recycled, like, a shitload of beer cans. So, I think that bought me some Earth Day credit, and you can’t judge me for the double showering, triple plates, etc.

The amount of food on the triple plates, and the wine and applesauce for dinner? You can go on ‘head and judge that. All day.

Earth Day, Fearth Day. #ChemicalsForLife

-Bev

*Disclaimer: Bev actually does recycle 90% of appropriate products, is extremely mindful of electricity usage (this comes from living with Smoke Goldenstein for 18 years), and NEVER leaves the water running while she brushes her teeth.

However, Bev also firmly believes in smelling good. And shaving her armpits. And that Clorox cleans better than your lemon juice + water + vinegar + hippie juice Pinterest bullshit does any day of the week. And a lot of other things, but we’re opening a whooooooole other can of worms here. 

Hippies, stand down.

Around noon today, I thought that the funniest part of my day was going to be the two dudes in front of me at Chik-fil-a who ordered $35 of food (happy 420 y’all!).

That was before I started getting calls, texts, and emails from coworkers, congratulating me on getting married this weekend. Obviously, I was pretty confused at first, but after a few minutes, I went out to the parking lot, and sure as shit, some colleagues painted ‘Just Married’ and ‘Honk 4 Love’ all over my damn car, and the rest of my coworkers took it and ran.

I spent my entire afternoon laughing my ass off, explaining to colleagues that I am not, in fact, married (or having a baby). I fully expect a wedding cake on my desk when I walk in tomorrow, or I quit.

Off to binge-watch Swamp People. Because another little-known fact about Bev? She loves shows where people speak English, yet require subtitles. #ChootEm.

‘Til death do us part.

-Bev

A little-known fact about Bev: I kinda hate movies. But I often try to force myself to like movies, because it seems like most people do. (Like Bev is like most people, you ask? I know.) At any rate, I recently read the book, Wild, by Cheryl Strayed, solely because I wanted to see the movie. The book was…. eh, and tonight, I finally rented the movie on AppleTV. I felt the way I feel about most movies. Which is…

Video credit: YouTube user, Todd MaClay

Remember when I first started this blog, and I told you I was kind of a mix of Chris Farley and Khloe Kardashian? Well, I forgot to add the hefty dose of Ouiser Boudreaux.

http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gyJWCrbTTw&oref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D-gyJWCrbTTw&has_verified=1

Video credit: YouTube user, lrichtt27

Like, HEFTY dose of Ouiser Boudreaux.

-Bev

Am I the only person on this planet who feels like…. it’s always Coachella? Like, wasn’t it Coachella like a month ago? And last weekend? And this weekend? 4th of July Coachella? Christmas Coachella? Christ.

The only thing that’s good about Coachella is that Beyoncé was there. And by ‘there‘, I mean she most likely stayed in a 5-star resort miles away, was dropped in for a day by heli, and then got the hell back out of there and took a shower in diamonds at said resort.

Tell me more about Coachella when Kim joins Bey for a break from their diamond showers for a day of fringe in the desert. And for the love of God, stop posting your ‘Coachella outfits’ on social media. (Unless you’re Kim or Bey)

Hippies. Not Bev’s jam.

I feel like I need to wash my hands after writing this post. (not in diamonds. yet.)

-BG