Bevvy G

I was recently using ‘live chat’ to communicate with a customer service rep for a program I have to use for work. (shout out live chat and not having to sit on the phone with someone, AmIRight?) I meant to say something about how to get some data to ‘populate‘ and I typed ‘poopulate‘ and hit send before I realized it.

Then I lost my ever-loving mind, and I honestly can’t even remember if I ever found the solution to my problem.

Because, poopulate.

-Beverly

I’ve heard Ghetto Superstar on the radio like three times in the past month, which makes me think that God is smiling down upon me, and that I’m going to win the lottery soon. 

When I do, you’re all invited to my house for unlimited Coors Light every Thursday through Sunday. Well, and lots of other things are in store for you faithful readers if Bev wins the lottery. But that’s a whole other post. #HouseOnBourbonStreet

Also, shoutout to childhood bestie, Henrietta, who used to nail the Mya notes while Bevvy effing SLAAAAAAAYED the ODB/Pras in ‘shows’ for MamaG back in middle school.  (Henrietta and I may or may not have karaoked to this in a gay bar in the last three years as well)

Farm kids know what’s UP, yo.

-Bev

Oh, and I’m just gonna leave this here (mostly for myself):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RtIGCGu9L90

YouTube credit: BVMUndergroundHipHop

This week’s F.A.F. is pretty special, as it’s the third in a series that features a very dysfunctional, yet extremely fun, family of apes. You’ve already had the pleasure of meeting Chad and Mikey B., the wild sons of primate parents, Chuck and Judy, and today, I bring to you, the baby of the family. As if these two boys weren’t enough for poor Chuck and Judy, (what with all their drinking, swearing, and water sport debauchery), little sister, Anita, really takes the damn cake. Take a look at ol’ girl.

I know. She just rolls into the club, dripping in sequins, armed with Daddy’s credit card (you’ve heard that before), and is usually kicked out by midnight. Naturally, Chuck and Judy are upset, but they can’t afford to send any of the kids to boarding school (mostly due to the fact that all the kids have credit cards, which are maxed out monthly on booze and bananas).

Seriously, this family needs help, Bev fans. If anyone knows a good family therapist, please contact me at beverlygoldenstein@gmail.com, or Chuck and Judy directly at ChimpinAintEasy@PrimeMates.com.

-Bev

*Also, I wish I had a reason that this is posted early, other than I effed up my scheduler. You’re welcome.

My youngest niece, Norma, started Pre-K recently, and my sister sent me this little greeting from Norma’s teacher:

Look, I try not to judge, man. (no, I don’t) But let’s be real: this teacher has the writing skills of a Bassett Hound.

Teachers…The Worst.

-Bev

P.S.- Yes, I know that this blog is probably peppered with shit-for-brains writing. But there aren’t a bunch of four-year-olds reading it. Well, hopefully there aren’t, I guess.

Unless they bring sponsors. In that case, please send this link to all the four-year-olds you know.

I very unexpectedly had one of the best moments of my life yesterday. First of all, my team won a big game (not that unexpected), but during that game is when the real highlight occurred. I went on a little solo power walk at half time to burn off some nervous energy, as my team was losing at the time. I quickly FaceTimed my girl, Edith, to commiserate and discuss. Then, it happened.

I strolled past a house where a bunch of twentysomething dudes were hanging out and drinking. As I walked by, one of these young lads shouted, “Hey, you want a beer bong?” Naturally, I was like, “Hell yeah, I want a beer bong! Edith, take pictures of this shit.”

And, so I just… did a beer bong, thanked my new young friends, and walked my ass around the block back to the bar. Then my team won the game, I bought a bottle of cheap champagne at the next bar, stayed out for fourteen hours, and spent $49.40 on an Uber that would normally cost about $12.50. That was probably the lowlight. But whatever.

Today, I was supposed to go to the grocery store, prep some healthy food for the week, do some work, and catch up on some serious blogging (I know y’all are dying for more). Today, I actually…. went to brunch, took a two hour nap, watched hours of I Am Cait and Forensic Files while looking at every. single. pic. from Fawn’s wedding, and made the saddest excuse of a cheese quesadilla that you’ve ever seen for dinner. I use both the terms ‘quesadilla’ and ‘dinner’ loosely here.

-Bev

Question: How many Beverly Goldensteins does it take to correctly replace smoke alarm batteries?

Answer: Unknown. Because it’s unknown if one Beverly Goldenstein correctly replaced the smoke alarm batteries.

-Bev

P.S. Please advise if you know anything about smoke alarms. (or if you’re not a total moron)

As you can tell (or maybe already knew), I get irrationally excited for football season. And while I own several pieces of team logo paraphernalia, (and religiously buy $100-$200 more in late August/early September), I also tend to start gravitating towards buying things that are my team’s colors, but not necessarily logo-ized. Which is how I justified spending $35 on a Kate Spade mug and reusable straws. And a new phone case. 

Oh, and when you buy yourself ridiculous items that you certainly do not need, and the store asks if it’s a gift, you say yes, and have them gift wrap it (fo’ free- I haven’t gone that crazy). 

-Beverly 

For some reason, my email settings must be off, and I have been receiving a heinous amount of spam this week. Most of it doesn’t get a second look, obviously, but there is one alcohol rehab center that keeps popping up (this one might not be spam?). Today they brought out the marketing big guns:

Like, oh yeah, guys, rehab would totally be so much better at the beach. If When I end up there, I’ll make sure to keep that in mind. Except being on the water just makes people want daiquiris and Mai Tais, ya big dopes.

-Bev