Bevvy G

It’s that time of year. 

You know the one. 

The one where you randomly go to Target, restock on alcohol for your fridge (mostly white wine), and the cashier is like….”Having a Halloween party, huh?” 

And you’re just like, “Ummmm. Yeah.”

Do you, readers. Do you.

-Bev

They’re done ‘in the field’… I realize this doesn’t mean much to most of you, but to a Midwesterner, this is a big deal. Basically, harvest is over, which is a good thing. So, Smoke and MamaG went up to The Henning House to celebrate. Received this Snapchat from Edith, who also happened to be in attendance…

You may remember that Smoke went on a few ‘hikes‘ this summer (like, literally 3). Apparently, he was telling people that he hiked Everest. 

Safe to say, The Henning House had a little less whiskey after Smoke left that night.

I come by it honestly.

-Bev

As y’all know, Bev resides in a basement apartment. While there are some obvious drawbacks (spiders, mostly), it’s really a pretty nice place. So, the other day, when I was leisurely hanging out in my kitchen, unloading the dishwasher, boiling some water, etc., I was shocked when I looked up to see a pair of eyes, watching me. I immediately screamed, and as much as my body wanted to reach out and close the blinds, I couldn’t get my body to move (thanks, fight or flight). 

So, there I was, just… face to face with the Peeping Tom for what seemed like hours. I tried screaming, jumping, stomping, and swearing at him, but he was undeterred. He finally fled, and I was left captive in my apartment for essentially the rest of the day, too scared to take my trash out, just knowing he was lurking out in my yard somewhere. 

In fact, I’m kind of sweating, just typing this (and I have more trash to take out tonight. I’ll probably have to FaceTime Fawn again. As you can see in the photos below, she is my go-to when in emergency situations.) 

Also, I regret to tell you that this is not the first time I’ve had an ‘incident’ with a squirrel. Long ago, when I lived in Kansas City, there was an actual squirrel inside my house. It’s really a pretty epic story, but it’s best told in person… just know that it involved three twenty-something girls, a snowstorm, tears, laughter, an empty tequila bottle, a broom, and a blanket. And three very accommodating friends who let us each spend the night in their homes. And no squirrel kill or even second sighting…Oy vey. It was a day I’ll never forget, and by the end of the night, I was so drunk and emotionally exhausted, I ended up petting my friend’s dog. Willingly. She’s never let me live it down.

Moral of the story: I hate/am terrified of squirrels. Who knew? (OK, we all knew).

-Bev

I feel like there are lots of awkward elevator encounters on T.V./in movies… Someone runs into their ex, someone has an embarrassing fight in front of strangers, etc. However, I feel like I’ve lived the last 32 years without experiencing one of my own¹… until tonight.

You see, my gym is on the fifth floor, and I rarely encounter other humans on my way down in the elevator. So today, when the little bell dinged, I hardly looked up from my phone, and started walking off, assuming it was the first floor. Turns out, it was the third, and there was a dude getting on. He was like, “Oh yeah, creature of habit, huh? Yeah, people do that all the time,” blah, blah, blah. This is totally not the awkward moment, because Duder was pretty cool. 

Oh, no, things didn’t get awks until YouKnowWho over here was like, “Yeah, I’m used to just… getting off.” 

And then I had to ride two more floors like… 

YouTube credit: MovieClips

Can someone here please give me an embarrassing elevator story? Please?

-Bev

¹The other elevator encounter I’ve had was really less embarrassing and more unbelievable. My family and I rode in an elevator with the Red Hot Chili Peppers in the early 90s in a small Midwestern city. We had no idea who they were, and it goes without saying that Smoke had a few comments about the ‘long-haired hippies’ in the elevator with us… 

I feel like I’ve been meeting a lot of new people lately, and have been telling them about my blog. Yes, I realize, no one wants to meet someone new and hear about their blog, but sometimes, I drink this stuff called alcohol, and I do things I know I shouldn’t.

Anyhoo, when people ask what the ‘topic’ of the blog is, I’m like, “Well, mostly drunken stories, my undying love for Kim Kardashian, and funny animal pictures.” And then, people look at me like… well, ya know in movies when one character (often a cashier or someone else behind a desk/counter) encounters some kind of emergency, and they get this perfect blank-yet-panicked look on their face while they hit the silent alarm button under their desk or counter? Yeah, they look at me like that, and slowly back away.

I don’t get it.

-Bev

I’m guessing you’ve all heard about the Lamar Odom situation, and while I obviously have a lot of thoughts on what happened, I’m not going to comment much on here, as I like to keep it pretty light-hearted here at beverlygoldenstein.com. (That said: I hope Lamar can turn this into a positive, and get the help he needs. I also hope it’s a wakeup call to other people with addiction issues, both in the Kardashian family and out, to get help. YES, Rob, I just called you out. Get it together, dude.)

So, while many are hoping and praying for a miracle for Lamar, and those who believe there already has been one… I’d like to point out that, no matter what happens with LO, there has been a definite Kardashian miracle:

PREGNANT KIM WORE FLIP-FLOPS. 

Photo Cred for both photos goes to Bev’s screen shots of Mail Online’s article. Article can be found here: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3277973/The-Kardashians-fly-Vegas-Lamar-s-Kim-Kendall-Kylie-stop-board-private-jet-hospital.html

THANK YOU, KIM. THANK YOU.

-Beverly Goldenstein (and the rest of the free world)

Yesterday, I started my day with a 7:15 am workout, a pit stop at Target for beer and a Pumpkin Spice Latte, and then headed out to my girl, Linda’s house in the suburbs to spend the day watching football, eating fall foods, and drinking. My day ended with playing quasi-drunken Hide and Seek with her three-year-old. 

Linda’s and my teams both secured awesome victories, and it was Linda’s birthday this week, so the day was fueled early on by my sponsor, Coors Light¹, but it quickly turned into poppin’ bottles after our games were over. I learned that champagne makes Hide and Seek a lot more fun (also, do you capitalize Hide and Seek? I’m too lazy to Google, so we’re just gonna go with yes…). 

Other things I learned while playing Hide and Seek with a heavy buzz on a Saturday night:

-3-year-olds don’t really get the whole ‘secret’ part of the game, and it’s hilarious.

-3-year-olds copy all of your hiding spots, and the mature adult in you is cool with it, but the immature child in you is like “GET OFF MY JOCK AND FIND YOUR OWN HIDING SPOTS, BRO!”

-3-year-olds can’t find you if you hide next to a table. Not under it. Next to it. Like, if you just sit on the floor. They can’t find you. And it’s awesome.

-I don’t fit under an art easel made for 3-year-olds.

-My 32-year-old knees can’t kneel for more than 45 seconds.

-Take your champagne with you when you hide. 

-Hiding alone in a pitch black garage is absolutely terrifying. Even if you’re in one of the safest neighborhoods in your city, and you have your champagne.

Cheers to a Sunday Funday of being woken up by that same little 3-year-old crawling in bed with you before she wakes up her mom, because you’re the best drunk ‘aunt’ this side of the Mississippi.

-Bev

¹Coors Light is not my sponsor, but they will be some day. In the meantime, I’m just gonna keep doin’ me… Because if you build it, they will come.