Well, I finally cracked, and went to the chiropractor. That’s all. I’ve just been waiting all day to crack that joke.
SEE WHAT I’M DOING HERE?
-Bevvy
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Bevvy G
For those of you who know me, you know that I have a more exaggerated ‘startle’ reaction than most people. Car horns, unexpected loud blasts of music, etc. My reactions vary from jumping, gasping, freezing, and/or screaming. There was actually a time when Fawn and I were out to dinner in NYC, when something behind the bar broke, and all kinds of glass came crashing down, and Fawn actually asked if I was having a seizure. To this day, I’m not sure whether she was kidding.
So, when I opened up a can of tennis balls tonight (this back pain is no joke, y’all), I kind of expected there to be a little ‘pop’ with the whole vacuum seal thing, but I didn’t expect it to sound like someone just shot a sawed off shotgun in my goddamn living room, so I probably overreacted a little bit… Like, overreacted as in I jumped about a foot in the air, and essentially took cover even though I was holding the object making the noise and performing the act that made the noise. It’s not OK.
-Beverly
P.S.- Don’t even get me started on those goddamn biscuits that pop when you open them. #InventedBySatan
Well, a new season of KUWTK starts tonight, and I feel like a “Top 10” (or Top HoweverManyDamnFamilyMembersThereAre) list is in order. I have decided to rank the Kardashian family members (including some peripherals/uncertains) from favorite to GetTheHellOffKim’sPlanetKylie and I’d love for you readers to comment with your own list!!!
Please know that I made this list, checked it twice, and it’s about as accurate as it’s going to get. There are a lot of ins, lot of outs, lot of what-have-yous, but I feel pretty confident on these rankings. Especially #1 and #2.
- Kim
- Kim
- Khloe
- Kendall
- Kris
- Pre-Vegas-hookers Lamar
- Bruce/Caitlyn
- Kourtney
- Rob (SkinnyRob or FatRob)
- Post-Vegas-hookers Lamar
- Any and all Kardashian pets, production crew, assistants, cleaning crews, security detail, and any/all other employees (hopefully someday this list includes me. As an assistant, not a pet… but, I could rock a dog costume, Kim. And I won’t pee on the floor. Unless you want me to)
- Scott
- Anyone Kim decides to marry in the future (other than Reggie; then he immediately takes Kim’s superfluous #2)
- Kanye (the only reason he beat Kylie is because of Kim’s ring)
- Kylie
Readers! Weigh in! I can’t wait to see what your rankings are! Also, on the whole ‘Who counts as a family member and who doesn’t?’ front… hell, who cares? It’ll probably change by the time this post goes live anyway.
-Bev
*Let it be known that if Khloe and James Harden make it to 2016, he takes Lamar’s spot(s).
Well, college football season is winding down (say it ain’t so), and I feel like my readers haven’t gotten a real look at the life of Bevvy G from September to November. I live and die for college football, and well, most of the time, ‘die’ is a little bit more accurate than I’d like to admit. Please enjoy these photos of things that have happened to me in the past years on football Saturdays…
While I don’t remember each specific story for all of the injuries, I do know that the knee scrape/calf bruise one happened within a 30-foot walk from where Linda and her husband dropped me off at my apartment to my door (excuse the absolute pale ashiness there… Midwestern winters, man), the bruised hand was after we lost a big rivalry game (pretty sure I was slamming the bar top in between slamming my beers), and the toe was definitely in Wrigleyville, and involved me walking into the bathroom with my tail between my legs to ask the bathroom attendant for a Band-Aid, minutes after I had rudely rolled my eyes at her, and walked out without a tip. Walked out while ripping the skin off my toe with the bathroom door, that is. Toes bleed a lot, FYI.
Cheers to college football season. May your team win (unless they play mine), may your beers be cold, and may you go bowlin’.
-Bev
Oh, and there’s this…
Tell me you didn’t sing it.
-Bev
*For those of you who actually didn’t sing it.
*YouTube credit: TygaVEVO
Oh, Tyga. We all know you and your girlfriend are more ‘Wack City’ than anything, but this animal photo is funny. Please don’t be flattered that you made the Bev cut.
(I’ll get my revenge on Sunday, you little pipsqueak)
Kim’s getting ready to do a ‘messy hair tutorial’ (see below), which is so weird because I was just getting ready to do the same! (see below)
(I’m the second picture, by the way)
I hope my girl doesn’t steal all my tips for how to get that perfect, messy look. Those tips being…
*Go on a 4-day bender to the Lake of the Ozarks with your family.
*Fall off of a boat while drunk, making your parents think you’re actually drowning, prompting two of your cousins-in-law to literally yank you out of the water.
*Get too drunk to get back on the boat after a quick (purposeful) dip, so that an uncle and cousin-in-law have to yank you out of the water again, and make sure your top comes down as your tank ass flops onto the family pontoon.
*Have absolutely no idea how to find your way from bars to your house, causing cousin Timmy to be like your seeing-eye-dog for a few nights.
*Have same uncle walk in on you, trying to vomit one morning of the trip. Do or don’t have a shirt on when this happens.
*Sleep in a different bed/couch/chair/spot on floor every night.
*Ride home ten hours with Target bag tied to your wrist for possible vomit (that is a whooooooole other post, because that was one of the top 10 hangovers of my life. Real. Talk.)
Follow these rules very carefully, and you might be so lucky to achieve Beverly Goldenstein’s messy hair look. Whatchu got for us, Kim?
-B.G.
Remember how, when you were little, and an inappropriate part came on in the movie, and your mom would either fast forward it, or make you cover your eyes?
Yeah, I think that’s what I’m gonna have to do when Kylie and/or Tyga are on the new season.
I guess I feel about Kylie the way the rest of Americans feel about the whole family… I just can’t.
-Bev
What happened, you ask?
I became the old crotch at Target.
Remember when you were in middle/high school, and you went to Target and acted like a total asshole? And there were a bunch of old crotches glaring at you and rolling their eyes? Well, I’ve transitioned. Call me Caitlyn, people.
Like, get out of my way, you little assholes. It’s 7:30, and I need to buy an ice scraper and these pajamas pants that are $6 on clearance. Then I need to go home, take a shower, put on said pajama pants, and go to bed, for the love of Christ. And stop pushing each other around in carts, or I will beat you silly with my new ice scraper.
So, I’m slightly uncomfortable with my old crotch status, but man, I’m happy to not be an obnoxious tween. (I’m just an obnoxious thirtysomething…)
There was also a pretty epic moment when I asked a red and khaki clad person where said scraper would be located. He responded E30, and I was like, “Oh, not E40?” Dude was like, “There is no E40,” and I walked away mumbling, “Oh, there’s an E-40, all right.”
YouTube credit: xxpnoyjestrxx
Anyways, I’m going to bed now so I can get up for my 7:15 gym class. I’m curious as to whether I’ll need to use my new scraper or not. And to think, by the time you guys read this, I’ll already have the answer to that question. #riveting
-BG
Today’s F.A.F. is brought to you by Bev having a terrifying dream, and actually getting up early enough to post before she leaves for work. (Also, it’s Friday, and I’m slapping on some mascara and rolling out like IDGAF, so there’s also that). What was this nightmare, you ask? Well, somehow a mountain goat got into my bedroom. While I was sleeping. And just sat in the corner. Then another one came into my living room. This one didn’t have horns though and it was gray. So, maybe it was a sheep? I think goat though. Are any of you, my dear readers, dream interpreter hippie types? Because WHAT IN THE FRESH HELL DOES IT MEAN IF YOU DREAM THAT A MOUNTAIN GOAT COMES IN YOUR BEDROOM?
In other news, I’ve gotta go mattress shopping. I’ve been waking up with a sore back for about a month now. I originally thought I had tweaked it in a workout or something, but it ain’t gettin’ better, and I ain’t worked out in like a week, so I think it’s time to bid adieu to this 7-year-old SOB and take myself down memory foam lane. (maybe bad mattresses = bad dreams?)
Anyhoo, I know you’re not here to hear asinine stories about my shitshow of a life, you’re here for A FUNNY ANIMAL PHOTO.
This week’s edition is one of my favs. One of the originals. The one that made me call Fawn one time with tears absolutely streaming down my face. Just prepare yourself for a wiener dog wearing pearls. Because, here is a wiener dog wearing pearls.
Also, I know that this photo was made to get tears streaming down one’s face in sadness for this abused dog, but I’m that person who had to leave Titanic laughing, so let’s just say, sadness was not the cause for me calling Fawn crying and unable to speak. I bet you wonder why Fawn is still my friend. I kinda do too. But I’m glad she is.
*For the record, I was not laughing about animal abuse. I mean, I hate animals, but I don’t condone abusing them. I’m certainly not going to give Sarah McLachlan any money or anything, but abusing animals is not being promoted here at beverygoldenstein.com…. But you know what is? Putting Dachsunds in pearls. (I had to throw that in, because I actually know the breed name)
Happy Friday, y’all. May the weekend bring you free flowin’ Coors Light, football victories, and no mountain goats in your beds. Or mine. Jesus.
-Bev
Whenever I have a day off (like I did today), I plan so many things in my head. Scrub the floor, clean out my closet, go through old mail, do all of the things.
Then the days come, I’m hungover, and I end up watching Sister Act 2 and painting my nails.
And I’m like… “You go, girl.”
-Bev